The 'Season'

Singles: That season is upon us!


The holiday season of giving (as in giving your boyfriend that new cologne he's been hinting about) and receiving (the ultimate little box, draped in a big red bow from your beau)

For those of us flying solo, along with the blistering cold comes the harsh reality of having no special someone to stroll along with, enjoying Celebration in the Oaks in City Park, or to pucker up under the mistletoe to. With commercials, songs of cheer, and the Hallmark Channel movie marathons throughout the month of December, who can fault those of us appearing to have been bitten by the (bah-hum) Bug?


Someone posed this question to me about a week ago: If being single was so great, would there really be a need for the countless articles and (dare I say) blogs to convince us?

Hmmmmm...

I'll be honest: since my divorce and a fair share of 'relationships' that have crashed and burned thereafter, I've probably read at least half of the countless articles that urge me to love myself in order for someone else to love me...and to help others in need-in an attempt to shift the focus from my own issues....

-and I'm sure they're all meant to be good advice but...after trying..and trying to put the words to action (unsuccessfully) just recently, I stopped and asked myself:

Do I really need motive to love the beautiful, funny, stylish, unique, sorta smart, quirky, shy, somewhat neurotic, creative soul that is Kelly Ann Dorsey-Parker?

Or is my heart a heart that beats to the rhythm of a hidden agenda?

The answer to both questions: A resounding....NO

If you remember any lessons shared during Mating Season, make sure this one sticks:

Love YOURSELF, cause you're worthy of it; not because you need to prove it to a potential mate!!

Share your time and your good heart with others because it feels good, not because it makes you look good!

So this Christmas, there will be no brooding at the couples arm & arm & madly in love, or rolling eyes as that awful song What do the Lonely do at Christmas plays...

While writing this entry, I came across several quotes serving as inspiration for single folks (from Henry David Thoreau, to Carrie Bradshaw to Dr. Seuss) But one just really stood out above the rest:

"You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere."

-unknown

Enjoy loving yourself throughout this Holiday season!!

I know I will!!

All that is 'good' is not always good for you...

I love chocolate...I always have: cake-cookies-candy- hot, hard, soft, dark, white...sweet-you name it- I've also come to the realization that despite how wonderfully satisfying it is, it just isn't that good for me. The four zits decorating my face can attest to this. So sad..but the truth (in the form of four zits) is staring back at me.


It is quite frustrating to be teased with something so tantalizing; only to have the end result in disappointment.

Makes me think of my last encounter with a hot, sweet....fella. One who I'd known for quite some time, only to find out that he'd harboured a bit of a crush on me for some time.

Well, the right time presented itself: both of us unattached, decided to meet for coffee, and then a few walks, then dinner and then a movie. We were spending time together, enjoying each other-and it was GOOD! I fought it at first, but I have to admit, I was beginning to like him..and I liked what he appeared to stand for: he was a hardworking, dedicated father, generous, non-judgmental and extremely down to earth. And even more delicious: he had the nicest pair of guns (I'm an arm girl)...and eyes brown like cocoa...and hands made for massaging and caressing-

ok, you all get it! the chemistry between us was effortless and intoxicating!

BUT- just when I slowly begin to let my guard down and take in the 'happy', he appeared to work even harder and grew seemingly dedicated to much more. So much, his daily calls turned to the twice a week variety-then...once a week...ok. We do have lives-it's cool

Quickly he began to make promises he likely knew he could deliver, which was just unnecessary..and not cool-

Then, the explanations started to proceeded my questions-which my grandmother taught me was often a sign of guilt...and the stories just didn't fit-along with his cell phone being turned off when we were together. hhmmm-

I didn't want to seem suspicious of anything, but what was going on between us suddenly began to give me that unsettling feeling-like I sometimes got when I ate too much chocolate...

And after I tried to explain that a lack of trust was something I'd never tolerate, I really started to feel ill: his responses were always along the lines of....I will earn your trust...I really am a good guy...I've never been given a fair shake...Did I do something wrong???

Yes-officially nauseated!


But, not for long. This time around, I took some comfort in realizing that relationships take work, but it ain't supposed to be that hard (especially in the beginning) This was the beginning. If I had these feelings of uncertainty, mistrust and neglect now, would things really change for the better? Not...likely.

So, I'll take heed to lesson number five: Even though the 'good' can be really good, it's never worth an end result that can leave you scarred.

These things just happen...

YES....I know it's a cliche, but I believe a cliche is a cliche for a reason. There are things that will take place in our lives mainly to test us to see how we'll react and recover.

You've got to think that all things DO happen for the good-with this mindset, you'll save yourself from alot of heartache, wasted money from counseling sessions and alcohol..

well, perhaps two out of three-

I think my experiences with Calvin Klein footwear is a great example of this: Since I can remember, these, classy but sexy shoes have been an obsession of mine-despite my financial challenges; a writer's salary simply won't allow me to splurge too often. But every now and then, I hit the online clearance jackpot--and other times, not so lucky...It's just how it goes sometimes.

As a single female in New Orleans, I think this shoe analogy applies in regard to getting hung up too soon on one fine pair of shoes-or a potential mate-

Recently, I joined some girlfriends to catch Game 6 of the NBA finals at a neighborhood bar. We came across a decent-enough brother who let us ladies share his table. His name was Alex: He looked decent, was dressed decent and quickly showed his appreciation for my love and knowledge of sports. We soon had a good natured debate going on who'd win the basketball series and why. He even went a far as to mention to my girlfriends how surprised such a pretty lady like myself was single....

Perhaps a good night for me, like for the Boston Celtics? They looked good early on and I'm thinking they've got this one in the bag...
Well, I took a trip to the ladies room to touch up my lip gloss and low and behold, when I returned, there was a strange female sitting on Alex's lap-just out of nowhere! and the Celtics' lead had vanished...
Ok, just how long was the line to get into the bathroom?

I sat at the table in total confusion (as did my girlfriends) shaking my head in disbelief as Alex avoided eye contact; while on the receiving end of way too much PDA from the mystery woman. I quickly ordered another vodka and cranberry juice to go, as the game ended. The Celtics lost that night...but had another chance to get it right in game 7-not a bad approach to take perhaps-

So, keep in mind Lesson Number four: Another game, another shoe sale, another man...you win some, you lose some...it happens-all for the GOOD...right?

Well, the Celtics lost game 7....and I'm still single. In the meantime, I did manage to score a great pair of Calvin Klein sandals...on sale!

guess one out of three will suffice....

Like the Song Says...

As Told By: Eric J.

When I was in middle school, I remember this song Jermaine Jackson came out with:

Don't Take It Personal-

..take the bitter with the sweet, easy come, easy go.

That's words to live by in the dating world. For both WOMEN and men. I'm a single man, early 30's who constantly hears women stress over one man-ONE man who didn't live up to their expectations, didn't call when HE said HE would-wasn't up front about what HE was looking for or what HE wanted-

..need I go on? It's as if the world ended, cause one brother let you down. I have a 22 year-old sister who I feel obligated to steer in the right direction. Even though I think she is the most beautiful queen in the world, she has (and will) run into fellas who will look her way, try to get to know her, wine and dine her, then move on to another beautiful queen. This; by no means, devalues her worth: just means playa wasn't that into her-and that's alright.

Men deal with rejection constantly, and we're reared to accept it as a passage to manhood. Society has taught us that sons should hunt and conquer as many women as possible, while daughters should seek and stay faithful to one. In saying that, I'd like to let you ladies in on a little secret: Despite what we've all been told, it's not that fun puttin ourselves out there and gettin shut down-it stings sometimes. But the sun will rise the next day, mail gets delivered, life goes on, and we'll give it a go at the next happy hour or concert or festival. And every 'hunter' eventually finds the one to make him change his ways. Think about if we just quit all together after the first time we got shut down by a female? Yep, the world we be a lot less exciting-and less crowded!!

I'd like all ladies who will read this post to grow some thicker skin! Do whatever you need to do to love yourself more (which is downright sexy, to me) and realize Lesson number Three:

There will be many, MANY men who will find you attractive, be turned on by you and genuinely love you: more than the few idiots who can't see you for the lovely queen that you are.

Remember, easy come, easy go. The 'bitter' will make the sweet, much sweeter!!

The Extra Mile-

AS TOLD BY: Trenelle T.

I returned home to New Orleans in 2008; figuring it was time to shake off the horror stories I'd heard of what had changed since hurricane Katrina. I personally thought it was just the resistance to change that had been passed on for generations like recipes. After three years away, I figured I'd be ready to deal with it, no matter how much of a challenge it'd be. I mean, I'd adjusted to life as a single mother, in Austin, Texas with no family or friends and no clear picture of a future-I'd be alright going back home.

I quickly discovered what was meant by the city being a little smaller. I'd read that the population of the city of New Orleans at the time was about 310,000; as to over 450, 000 pre-Katrina. When you break it down, it told the harsh truth of a smaller number of schools, businesses, restaurants and black professionals-specifically black professional men. I was 33 when I came back-and if I had a dollar to give to every single, black professional man in the city of New Orleans after the storm-well, let's just say I'd probably have a nice little nest egg to put aside if mother nature forced me to flee again.

After way too many stories to my new co-workers (mainly of the ugly looks I got from women figuring I was trying to stake claim on their men) Francis, my supervisor had it set in her mind that her nephew was perfect for me. His name was Landon; he had returned from Memphis several months ago and of course, I began to investigate to see if our paths possibly crossed back in the day. (and if he had a criminal record) I mean, it's hard not to know most of the men your age in the city of New Orleans. It really is the smallest big city. I'm figuring, if I don't know 'of' ' him, someone I know surely does.

After asking a few friends, I got no feedback. So I decided to interrogate poor Francis-almost to the point where she likely thought her idea of playing cupid was a bad one.

But after some thought-and growing a little lonely, I took Francis up on her offer. After exchanging a couple of e-mails, I agreed to meet Landon for lunch at nice spot not far from work in the warehouse district. Safe enough, I thought.

Of course, I arrived a little early, because that's just what women do sometimes, what can I say?

When the tall, brown-skinned brother with a beautiful smile approached me, I said: Oh my God! he's single-and tall like I like em'.. and extremely good looking! And-someone I slept with!

As he extended his hand, I'm like Lord have Mercy, what to do? does he realize I'm a one-night stand from--I don't even know how many years ago? I couldn't bring myself to say anything. And at that point, I didn't know whether to be relieved or insulted at the fact that he probably didn't remember me! Ain't that some shit!

After almost two hours of food and conversation, it never came up. We talked about careers and family and of course where we ended up after the storm. I didn't even get a 'I feel as if I know you from somewhere.' So, I wasn't even goin there!!

Before I could start up my car, I'd called my best friend-the only person I'd mentioned the incident to back then. She found this encounter more amusing than I did! When she did get serious, she asked me-"Do you think that's what it'll be like dating down here? I don't know if I'm up for the merry-go-round of relationships past."

And I totally felt her on that one. I'm thinking post Katrina in so many ways represented a clean slate-jobs, homes, opportunities, ideas. Why not a clean slate of men?

The idea popped into my head when I got back to my desk-If the men aren't here, I need to go where they are!
The following weekend, I did something I would have talked about doing, but never followed through-that was post Katrina, though. Now, I never put off something I have the chance to do in the here & now.
I took a weekend to myself-gassed up the car and headed west-I figured I could discover a nice place not too far from New Orleans-far enough where I could be mysterious, but close enough to get otta dodge if things got crazy! I ended up right outside of Lafayette-and it wasn't too bad. Wasn't too country-and the people were nice. Especially the men.

Which leads to Lesson Number Two: A change of scenery never hurt anybody...
(unless you're goin to jail)

You could likely meet someone totally new, who could definitely be worth the trip-

Onward...Forward...

I was prompted to look up the definition of the word backward after a former co-worker said to me-
"You keep going backward..as long as you do so, the end result will never change."

So, here it goes:
Backward/Backwards: Facing or turned in the opposite direction to somebody or something. Positioned the opposite way around, arranged in the opposite order or proceeding in the opposite direction to the normal one. Lagging behind the progress and development of others of comparable status; causing or representing a return to a previous or less advanced, and usually less satisfactory state.

So, how'd we get here??
She asked me about a guy I mentioned from time to time, whom we'll call G. He was introduced to me by a male friend some time ago. The attraction was obvious as it was undeniable; he was clean cut, athletic build (really nice guns) early 30's and of course had me after flashing that mischievous smile of his. I was in a place where I just needed to feel good and enjoy myself; no analyzing, no expectations-just fun. Other people do this and go on to lead normal, productive lives- certainly, I could do the same.

The more time I spent with him, it was evident he'd be the last cutie that would bring complicated into my life. I didn't even bother to try to get to know everything about him like I'd done in the past. I knew he played a little football in high school, evacuated to Connecticut after Hurricane Katrina and has a young son. Hell, I didn't even know his last name until a month ago.

He seemed to appreciate how cool I was about what we had going on-which was just sex-here's the thing: along came an issue concerning the sex-he became unable to ...let's just say, stay in the game.
I'm thinking-is this normal? It's never happened to me before; but when you've spent a good deal of your adult life married or you're far from a serial dater, do you really know what normal is?

Someone told me, "He's younger; he might be used to freaks in the bedroom."
I absolutely love how this 'someone' seemed to totally disregard how I might take such a statement...
but, that's another show-

Most folks reassured me that it was something I shouldn't take personally and that it 'happens quite often'.
When I put the question out there and asked if it ever happened to ....

anyone....Anyone??????

Bueller........Bueller????

Ok, anyhoo, this elephant in the room just made himself comfortable. I was dealing with this issue almost every time G and I hooked up. It soon became too much of a chore for this man to stay excited-and it started to chip away at my self esteem! I was working way too hard for this good time. And for what, really? Soon, he wasn't the only one left unsatisfied.

This is NOT the way casual relationships are supposed to be....right?? I also questioned why he continued to call me..even worse, why was I willing to entertain it??

Well, just recently, the cards were put on the table after I was put across G's bed with, again-the result leaving me with that same blank stare.

"I don't know what it is.." he started. "I mean, I like you and you're sexy-but I mean... I really like buck wild-freaky sex.."

eh, guess the truth hurts...

NO...no-no-no-I said to myself....DON'T go there!! no complaints in the past-remember....

I knew it was more than that; and I knew tonight I was going to leave knowing the real reason-no matter what.

"It may have a little to do with the fact that I'm not with my girl, ya know..." he told me.

Ok, it was clear that G and I were as far from committed as Democrats and Republicans are from a civil discussion on the issue of health care reform--Nonetheless, did I really need to hear that??

"This is just not working.." he adds. I would concur-WHOLEHEARTEDLY!!

Which leads to Lesson number one: If a relationship; casual or otherwise, isn't working, let it go!
The sooner it's behind you, the quicker you can begin to focus on something that'll make you feel better about yourself and not worse.

Regardless of confusion, ego, embarrassment or humiliation, let it go-don't keep going back to that less satisfactory state.

....just swallow your pride, grab your dignity from the side of his bed and remember two things:
One: If it's casual, it's not supposed to be that complicated and Two: There's not much positive in regards to the definition of the word backward. That's for a good reason. So keep moving.. Forward that is.....

Every Relationship is a Lesson....

What folks say about spring is true-there's something deliciously wonderful about the wealth of sunshine; especially after a historically brutal winter; colors of all lively shades beginning to border our streets-

Spring breaks, spring cookouts & barbecues, seafood boils, spring festivals, and of course-spring flings. People are just drawn to talk more to people, interact and show affection.



Just as the first weekend of spring approached, I even found myself laughing more, despite situations that seem more horrendous than hopeful these days..I can't explain it....what am I so happy about???

After all, this is my fourth spring as a single female in New Orleans. It's been challenging in ways I didn't envision possible. I've battled many issues and dilemmas, but I'm holding on to advice given to me by loved ones....and of course one of my favorite songs by India.Arie. Her song, These Eyes has a simple, yet profound bridge: Every Relationship is a Lesson.



In saying this, many of us have had ample chances to learn from relationships that go south.
But do we, really ? It's not easy to look deeper than 'someone not being right for us' or perhaps we become fixated on not being smart enough, successful enough, or pretty/fine enough. Somehow, we've got to get past those issues and see the opportunity on the other side of the door that's just slammed in our faces : )

I've begun to wonder what it will take for me to really dust myself off and prepare for who (or what) may be better for me, without beating myself up (and/or indulging in Vodka)

So now, I'm reaching out to the single people in New Orleans: We do know a thing about resiliency, since August 29, 2005. We've tackled lack of resources, housing, jobs, stability...


After four and a half years, how are we handling being single? Maybe we can help each other--All stories (good and bad) are welcome--As long as the lesson learned is shared-



Don't be shy! Share with the class: matingseason2010@gmail.com